LOTR: a Modern Retelling
by KaninLover
Summary: I moved this off Wattpad so go ahead and read further @ TheWalkingDisasters. Rejoin the gang and visit Middle Earth once again, this time much less serious than Tolkien intended... And more modern!
1. AN UNEXPECTED PARODY

Bilbo Baggins was old.

Like, really old. 111, to be precise. And because of his ripe old age (in which he still felt as if he were one with the youngsters) he decided to throw a party.

The party would have nearly the entire Shire as guests. It was splendid. But, because this is dear old Bilbo we are speaking of, he wanted to end this party with a _bang._

Bilbo was different than most hobbits, and his adopted nephew, Frodo, took after the guy. One such quirk is their shared friendship in an old wizard called Gandalf.

Frodo watched as the wizard approached Hobbiton in a horse drawn buggy. "You're late," he said, crossing his arms.

Gandalf glared at the young hobbit. "Fashionably so. A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to."

Frodo broke into a grin that could both warm the countryside and send younger hobbits and the whole of men into hiding. "Oh, how I missed your odd humor!"

The duo rode onward until they reached Bilbo's dwelling at Bag End. Frodo hopped off the cart and ran frolicking away, to do Sauron knows what.

Gandalf hit his head trying to get through the door. After all, it was a hobbit's home he was entering, and hobbits were stout fellows.

Immediately he was assaulted by a battering of silverware.

"Go away! We don't wish to see to any more Sackville-Bagginses!"

Gandalf stooped under the low ceiling and stared down the hall as the attacker came into view, wielding a rather nice set of spoons. "What about ancient friends?"

Bilbo stopped and smiled. He had a much more appealing laugh than his nephew's. "Gandalf! I thought you were Lobelia! Wretched woman."

He simply nodded his agreement, preoccupied.

He sat down at the table, Gandalf eyeing a map framed on the wall. It reminded him of Bilbo's past adventures. The hobbit bustled about him.

"Tea? Or maybe something a little stronger..." He went out of earshot to rummage in the kitchen. "I was expecting you last week. Not that it matters, you come and go as you please, always will. You've caught me unprepared. We've only got cold chicken, a bit of pickle..."

Gandalf smiled as he rattled those off in the other room. "Just tea, thank you."

Bilbo came back, sitting across from his old companion.

"I know I don't look it, but I am old." Bilbo suddenly stated after an awkward silence.

Gandalf hid a smirk behind a knarled hand. _Dear Bilbo, even the One Ring cannot spare you of that,_ he thought with amusement.

"It is time for me to go, Gandalf."

Bilbo gazed out the window to the rolling green hills of the Shire. Peaceful and tranquil, and most importantly, safe. Safe from adventure, which the elderly hobbit so enjoyed. "Tonight will be a night to remember."

That night, after many of the festivities had died down including an incident with some dragon shaped fireworks, the crowd screamed at Bilbo to give a speech. Most of the hobbits were drowsy and dull from their ales and full plates.

Smiling good naturedly, Bilbo walked to the front of the assembly. "This would be a grand time to single each and every one of my terrible relatives out, but I have not the time to so. For I am leaving."

The crowd murmured.

"I am happy to announce this is the end. I am leaving now."

With one last mischievous smile, Bilbo Baggins slipped his greatest treasure on his finger: a plain gold ring. He vanished into thin air like some parlor trick and was never seen in the Shire again. (Much to the happiness of the Sackville-Bagginses)

Frodo stood up, staring at the stage where his uncle had disappeared. His cries for Bilbo were lost in the crowd of gasping and gossip.

That night when Frodo stumbled back into his uncle's home, he nearly tripped over Bilbo's ring, lying just past the threshold.

He picked it up with wonder, then started, finally noticing he was not alone.

Gandalf sat in the next room, blowing smoke rings from his pipe and gazing dreamily into the crackling fire.

"What the Mordor are you doing in my house?!"

Gandalf snorted on his smoke, seeing the ring in Frodo's hand. "What? Oh, I trespass often. I like watching you sleep."

Frodo blinked.

The wizard stood, bashing his tall, pointy hat on the rafters. "Wrong popular young adult series. My apologies."

"Where is Bilbo?" Frodo asked fearfully.

The man, twice as tall as he, pushed past the hobbit. "He has gone on vacation. A permanent one. On the bright side, he has left you everything!" Gandalf wrinkled his nose. "And by everything, I do mean _everything._ That man had some peculiar hobbies."

He walked to the door. Frodo managed to expel the image from his mind. "And where are you off to?"

The wizard paused. "I don't know really. This is just a way to move the story along." His eyes looked deep into Frodo's, piercing his soul. "That token of yours is most powerful. Watch over it with your life."

Frodo's eyes widened. "But it's only a RING!"

Ignoring him, he replied,"Keep it secret. Keep it safe." Gandalf turned to go but glanced over his shoulder at the shaking hobbit. "Oh, and Frodo? Keep it sexy." He winked, and with that he was off.

Never in a million years did young Frodo imagine he would have adventures like that of dear Bilbo's. But a year later, whence Gandalf returned, he would be swept off his feet in a flurry of lies and treachery, as is given for a coming of age story.


	2. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL

As Frodo did whatever hobbits do, evil was lurking beyond his home, The Shire.

Many things sought the seemingly ordinary ring the young hobbit had inherited from his uncle. One such enemy, perhaps the most terrible of them all, had found his whereabouts.

And, as many heroes of this day are, Frodo was called to action in the bathtub.

Prone to burst out randomly into song just like all of his species, Frodo washed his big, hairy feet and hummed a pop song that was particularly famous in the Third Age. "Hello from the other side-" He screeched, miming an air guitar.

"FRODO BAGGINS!"

Frodo jumped, splashing suds onto the clean tiles. Gandalf the Grey stood above him, looking unamused. He hadn't heard him enter over his terrible screeching.

Suddenly embarrassed, he covered his body in suds. "Gandalf?"

The wizard arched a brow. "I see you kept it sexy." He nodded. Frodo blanched. "But did you keep the ring secret? Is it _safe?_ "

"It is. It's on the mantelpiece." Said Frodo, lunging for a towel. After a lingering glance, the wizard stomped to the living room, the half naked hobbit in tow.

He watched curiously as Gandalf pinched the ring carefully with only the tips of his fingers, as if the metal were acidic, and pitched it into the fireplace.

"Now what have you done that for?" He protested.

Gandalf watched the crackling fire with wide eyes and searched for a set of tongs. Then he dropped the ring into Frodo's unsuspecting palm.

He cursed, tossing the ring between his hands as Gandalf watched, waiting for him to realize the ring was not hot. It fact, it was as cold as ice, or maybe even his soul.

Frodo frowned. "Look- there's markings. They weren't there before..."

Gandalf nodded. "Indeed. Only fire can reveal them."

The following words were scrolling around the band in cursive:

 _One Ring to rule them all,_  
 _One Ring to find them,_  
 _One Ring to bring them all_  
 _and in the darkness bind them._

Frodo, bewildered, shook his head of impressive curls. "I do not understand. What is this, Beyonce?"

Gandalf scrutinized him, fingers stroking his beard. "Wrong time period. But this is not the time to ask silly questions!"

The room seemed to darken.

Frodo shrunk back.

"This is the One Ring, forged by the Dark Lord Sauron himself-"

The hobbit interrupted, "Dark? So who's the Light Lord?"

The wizard squinted at him. "Frodo, what the Mordor are you talking about?"

He shook his head. "Never mind that. Please do continue."

"Your uncle Bilbo found it in a measly creature's cave- his name is Gollum. Many a decade it has lived a quiet existence under the care of Bilbo, prolonging his life, and now yours. But Sauron is stirring, and The Ring wants to be found."

"Cool story bro."

Gandalf hissed under his breath, "Hobbits." He stares at the ring. "Frodo, Sauron must never find it. The Ring has to leave The Shire."

Frodo thrusts the Ring at Gandalf. "Take it!"

He shakes his head, backing up to the wall. "Do not put me in the path of temptation. I've decided you, measly hobbit such as yourself, are the best candidate to take this impossible task- because, hey, it worked before."

Frodo blinked. "But Bilbo almost died!"

Gandalf shrugged.

Gulping, the hobbit grasped the ring tighter in his fist. "What must I do?"

"Pack. You shall head to the village of Bree, like the bread. I will be waiting at the Inn. But first I must consult a dear friend of mine. He must know what to do." Sadly, though Gandalf was an all powerful wizard, he could not see the future. His bestie was also a backstabber.

Frodo hurried to get his delicates.

After him the wizard called, "Travel only by day! Stay off the road, there are creatures about."

Frodo nodded, hoisting his knapsack over his shoulder. One item that had been passed from Bilbo to him were several pairs of golden underpants, perhaps one of his most prized possessions. And food, of course.

Suddenly, the door was flung open, and Frodo's friend strutted in. Samwise Gamgee, though cursed by the same irritable name choices as the rest of Middle Earth's inhabitants, was quite a braggart.

"I was eavesdropping, and hear you are going on an adventure. I wish to come along."

Gandalf and Frodo looked at each other and the wizard shrugged. "The more the merrier." With a sudden suspicious glance at the newcomer, he added, "I daresay, don't do anything freaky, children. If you know what I mean." He winked at Frodo again.

Frodo blushed.

"Off with you, now!" Gandalf cried. "Shoo!"

Frodo stumbled out the door, wary of the 4'0 blonde, who kept sending him smoldering stares and pouting his lips.

 _What have I gotten myself into?_

"The struggle is real. " Sam warned sultrily.


End file.
